We’re about to enter our second year of this global pandemic and obviously I’m considering this and the lack of input I had in the last months as I’m thinking about why I haven’t sat down to write. But I don’t think that that is the primary reason for this state of non-writing or of scribbling down notes in some obscure note on my phone that I never look at again.
I think the reason I haven’t been posting for Invent yourself is that, quite simply, my mind has tricked me into thinking that writing de facto means trying to explain something to someone, trying to impose my way of thinking on someone else. Since I neither feel like I’m in a position to impose anything on anyone, nor think that anyone should impose their perspectives regardless of their experience and age, I stopped. I didn’t want to be part of that group of people who think that their thoughts and ideas are natively superior to those of others for no justifiable reason (note that I do not think that delusion, arrogance, suppressed insecurity and all of these vices that so many people have to live with justify that feeling of superiority)
Another reason is that I have taken a liking to creating videos for Slam It Out (which if you haven’t seen them, you should check out on Instagram @slamitout) because these projects essentially come into existence through dialogues with Sam and therefore do not feel so much like I’m trying to impose myself. It also gives me some sense of security because obviously, if your team consists of 1 person (me), which has been the case for Invent yourself, you run the risk of propagating ideas that should not be propagated because they are 1) lacking value 2) plain stupid and/or wrong or 3) making you seem like you’re standing in for ideals or certain perspectives that do not actually represent your mindset. Having at least one other person working with you and sharing their distinct perspective on a certain project significantly reduces the risk of posting nonsense.
You might ask yourself why I think it’s a good idea to write a blog about why I stopped blogging, which is fair enough. (If you did not ask yourself this, don’t worry, no one’s gonna know) One reason is that I’m not self-confident enough to do Youtube videos yet and also I’m supposed to be working on my Bachelor Thesis (I’ll keep you posted) (Or maybe I won’t- I probably will if I graduate) and not having to prove everything I’m writing with some source by some scholar is very refreshing. But the main reason is that, as I’ve said before, my mind has been tricking me and it’s only now that I’ve become aware of that fact.
When I started Invent yourself – which was almost 5 years ago (alarming realisation considering that a few days ago, before I checked the date of creation, I thought it had been like 3 maximum) – the main motivation was not to prove to people how intelligent I am or to convince anyone to start thinking like me. A little part of me certainly did want to impress (because why else would I have felt the need to pay WordPress money to make my site look good and have my own domain name? I could’ve just written for myself and spend that money on essential material things like new white sneakers that look exactly like the 4 pairs of white sneakers I already own…) But I think the non-ego driven part of me initially just wanted to share my perspective and see where it goes and hopefully gain some knowledge about myself and the world by forcing me to do at least some research about the topics that interest me. Also, I was, and still am a strong believer in using writing as a structuring mechanism. Writing things down, in any way or fashion, helps me to organise thoughts and ‘calms my nerves’ just because I know it’s written down somewhere so I won’t forget about it and I will be able to deal with it at some point. I must have forgotten about this somewhere along the way, which is a shame, but no fiasco, since as it seems, it has found its way back to me. (as good things tend to do)
Now, what’s the new plan for this dusty blog?
I will try not to use it to talk about topics and themes in a way that makes it seem like I know more than others (because as we’ve established, that is not the case). I don’t really know if I did that in the past. I feel like I did but I hate re-reading stuff I’ve written, so I don’t and you’ll have to be the judge of that. Maybe this post will again be last one for many months, I certainly won’t tell you that I’ll be writing more in the future and all of that hypothetic nonsense (I’ve certainly learned from that mistake), but thank you for following me via your e-mail address anyway so the ego-part of my brain can get its boost.
Invent yourself, CK
(Is this post me re-inventing this blog? be that as it may.)